I am a Christian woman who takes her faith and obedience VERY serious.  But i am also an independant-minded woman who is a paraprofessional and a white belt martial artist.  I hear so many Christian leaders who say that being strong, independant, unsubmissive, proactive, take-charge, and self-determining are not feminine, are not feminine for a woman of God to be, takes away men’s role for caring for a woman, and confuses men concerning their roles.  Part of me reasons, “what is femine about being a victim and being molested, raped, and unable to take care of yourself and your loved ones?”  I’m wondering if you’d mind sharing your thoughts on the subject?  Thank you.  Gail V.

A Religious Perspective
By Eldra McCracken

Religious studies have always fascinated me because of the impact they have on so many lives, so this is a fabulous opportunity for me to answer a question which no doubt will serve many women.

This answer is non-denominational, but because of the prevalance of this attitude in many religions will be addressed with Bible refrences that are very revealing. These will all be from the King James Version.

Also remember that the old testament in the bible comes from the Torah so those verses equivalants there are relevant for the Jewish people as well.

As it is for those of the Muslim faith. For they believe that Jesus was a Holy Prophet as well, so his teachings apply for them also. Indeed Mohammed’s wife Aysha lead a battle charge astride a Camel and was certaintly no door-mat.

What follows is a clear guide as to what is required from the men. I decided to take this slant on the subject because I believe it will clear up a lot of issues for women in a fresh perspective. (You could also look at it as a helpful dating list in the qualities to look for in a man!

There ARE many guys who are confused about their roles now because of women’s liberation.

They are having to redefine how they define themselves. They are having to come up with different ways to relate to the world, to assess their success, and what position they want to have in the world.

There is nothing wrong with that. In fact it opens up a lot of new avenues for men who’ve felt repressed and limited, and for men to find new avenues of healing in their lives from the demands society puts on them as well.

The bible does not define manhood for men either, insofar as to say they must be a certain proffession or have certain qualities to be a man, except it’s admonitions to love God, be a good person, to be one with your wife, and to be a GOOD steward to all that is in your care. It is really very simple.

As we are not addressing man’s relationship with God we will move to the next issues…

So lets start with being a good steward. This is the most general area as it applies to how a man should care for what is in his realm to care for.

Luke 12: 42-48
“And the Lord said, Who then is that faithful and wise steward, whom his lord shall make ruler over his household, to give them their portion of meat in due season?
Blessed is that servant, whom his lord when he cometh shall find so doing. 

Of a truth I say unto you, that he will make him ruler over all that he hath.

But and if that servant say in his heart, My lord delayeth his coming; and shall begin to beat the men servants and maidens, and to eat and drink and to be drunken;

The lord of that servant will come in a day when he looketh not for him, and at an hour when he is not aware, and will cut him in sunder….”

So the question really becomes, How can I be a good steward (man or woman)?

It seems to me that to be a good steward is to make sure those in your care are safe(!!!!), well cared for, and happy. (men are that they might have joy), and having the neccessities of life, and the care and attention of those they love.

Here is the Webster’s Dictionary’s definition of steward: A person who manages another’s property or financial afffairs; one who ministers anything as the agent of another or others; a person appointed by an organization or group to supervise the affairs of that group at certain functions. See also stewardess.

In days of old they were a servant in service to the master of the house, the lord or lady. In a religious sense it would be a steward of the Most High, ie: God.

Stewards didn’t do it all themselves. They were responsible for everything, but didn’t control and do everything. They delagated to other servants. They had to. There was too much in one household to take care of to do it all themselves.

And a steward was and is one who was/is a dedicated servant. He was loyal, devoted, intelligent, kind, responsible, trustworthy, and able to handle great responsiblility wisely.

A man can still be a good steward for his family and let his wife take an active role as well.

If a man loves himself and is not insecure he will not feel threatened by his wife’s love and honor of herself by taking responsibility for her life –being a good steward of her own life!  He will want her to be safe, happy, and have the best just as he wants the best for himself. It makes his job easier as a steward.

He will treat her kindly and be safe for her, and also realize that he can’t be with her every day, especially if he is away at work all day, as she might also be. He will see that if he wants her to be safe from other people with sinister intent that it would be good for her to know how to protect herself, because when he isn’t there he can’t take care of it.

There is also the issue of keeping any children they have safe as well. She can be a valuable help meet/mate, by being able to take care of things when he’s not around.

This will ultimatly reduce his stress levels, knowing that everything is prepared and planned for in the utmost. That he has done his best by empowering his entire family!

Then if tragedy strikes he doesn’t have to beat himself up for not being there, doesn’t have to wonder if there was always something more that could have been done to take care of it. He won’t have to feel the rending guilt of knowing there was more he could have done. That “if only….”

Gen 2:12 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife; and they shall be one flesh.”

This refrence is not just talking about sex, the physical joining. Innate in the defenition is that they are one — in agreement. Not one lording over the other, but in agreement.

Most women who are victims of violence are actually suffering it from the hands of their own husbands. More women are killed every year by their spouse or boyfriend (live in or not) than by strangers.

In light of your question I feel that this is especially important to address.

Men who are scared, who are unwilling to take a fresh look at new options in partnership are not following God’s commandments.

Here are the words of King Lemuel’s mother to him telling him to be a good husband and what kind of woman to look for in a wife.

Though there are few words to him about what his behavior should be towards his wife they are very important. Perhaps he is a good enough person that she knows he will treat his wife right with little guidance from her.

Proverbs 31:1-31 (parenthesis my commentary)

“The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil.
She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life.
(He treats her right, she treats him right. Hmmm sort of logical isn’t it?)

Her husband is known in the gates, when he sitteth among the elders of the land.
(A wise man sitting among the elders, Loyal and trustworthy –known in the gates.)

Give her of the fruit of her hands: and let her own works praise her in the gates.”
(Let her create what she wants out of life –of course good works being prefered — and then let her enoy the fruits, the benefits of what she has created! This of course implicitly allows for not controlling her every movement, or everything she does. Her own works will praise her, and show her true nature.)

Another refrence on how a man ought to be with his wife.

Ecclesiastes 9:9
“Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest…”

Here is a warning to men who might abuse and misuse their woman!

Malachi 2:14-15
“Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the Lord hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant.
And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherfore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth.”

More guidance for how a relationship is best to be.

1Corinthians 7: 3-4
“Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and like wise also the wife unto the husband.
The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife.”

Ephesians 5: 25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it…. So men ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
For no man ever yet hated his own flesh: but nourisheth and cerisheth it, even as the Lord the church. (The man should love, nourish and cherish his wife as he would his own body.)
Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself: and the wife see that she reverence her husband.”

Now wouldn’t it be easy to acknowledge a husband and follow his council when you know his has your utmost care as his concern? If a wife is to be “submissive,” it is clear that God means it in refrence to a man who will love and respect his wifes wishes, needs, and desires as well as his own.

Here are some more generalities as far as what behavior God requires. And any man who thinks this doesn’t apply to how to love his wife as well is seriously mistaken. The warning previously mentioned should have made that obviously clear.

John 13: 34-35
“A new commendment I give unto you, That ye love one another: as I have loved you, that ye also love one another.
By this shall all men know that ye are my disciples, if ye have love one to another.”

Romans 13: 8-10
“Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: For he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law.
For this, Thou shalt not commit adultery, Thou shalt not kill, Thou shalt not steal, Thou shalt not bear false witness, Thou shalt not covet: and if there be any other commandment, it is briefly comprehended in this saying, namely, Thou shalt love they neighbour as theyself. Love worketh no ill to his neighbour (or wife): therfore love is the fulfilling of the law.”

As far as being a take charge woman, there are plenty of take charge women in the bible itself who followed the laws of that time, who took it into their own hands to push the issue and were blessed for it  Since this article is going so long, I would reccomend you research this yourself. ( Or perhaps I’ll wirte another article about it.

I think the real issue, though, is that many men are afraid of and angry at the Man- Haters! They feel upset that so many women are blaming men for all the problems and then they feel insecure, so they want to be in charge, in control.

So many men want to feel sure of themselves. They have been trained to do so, and when they don’t it really throws them for a loop.

All they really want is what anybody wants, that is: to be respected, honored, feel as though their contribution is valuable.

Some times they don’t know what that looks like or how to get it. That is true for some women also.

And when we as women are around the men who act angry or afraid of women in their power, it behooves us to remember that we ARE powerful and we have room to be patient and tolerant with men who don’t understand that — as long as there is no abuse involved. We can show them that we do respect men who are truely good men, even if our opinions differ from theirs.

We don’t have to try to convince anyone that it’s okay for us to be strong. And when we are non-threatening (which we can do because knowing how to protect ourselves gives us this freedom, and calm assurance), they will naturally relax and begin to see that we are not trying to control THEM. We are just determined to honor ourselves.

And if you get a lot of guys trying to push you out of your power, simply draw a healthy boundary and no longer give them access to you. Find a different congregation in your denomination to associate with, or a different man in your life who is willing to be loving and kind and respect you.

Also there are good righteous men out there who do get this concept, and are more than willing to support their wives as their wives also are willing to support them. They are willing to have a relationship that is mutually beneficial — however that couple decides that will look for them.

A perfect example is the young lady in the powerful woman highlight right now (go to http://www.beautifulwarriorwomen.com and sign in to see her).  She was raped and in her recovery is close to God and her husband.

They are actively sharing her story to assist others, and he has decided to go into law enforcement to assist others as well. I can guarantee you that he does not want her to ever suffer that same horrible trauma again and supports her in her RIGHT to protect herself from harm.

As men and women learn to respect each other ( which usually comes after the period of extreme anger at the other , there will be less fear, less anger, and less violence. But that will only come as a result of BOTH sides owning their power.  Not men dominating women or women dominating men.

So as you can see, men and women can have healthy relationships of giving and caring on both sides. And indeed the largest, most common religions of the world have it in their commandments.

When other men say it is the job of the woman to be subservient, you can remember, and also remind them if you feel it is appropriate, that it is also the man’s job to be subservient to the woman as well, to care for her as he would his own body. That the commandments command that both respect and honor each other. That they are to be there for each other.

I very much agree with you Gail, and hope that some of what I’ve shared will give some clarity to the subject for any women out there doubting.

Copyright By Eldra McCracken. All rights reserved. You may link to this article. Article not available for distribution, except with express permission by author.

P.S. Read about the Nun who killed an intruder in the “They stayed safe…” section of this blog. If a nun feels that she has the right to protect herself I think that says a lot to other women who are religious.

Last Modified: Friday, October 12th, 2007 @ 17:14

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